God

There is a god. There are a few gods, no countless gods. We each have and are a unique God. And then we share our beliefs and find common ground. Where our gods are similar. We ask “What is God to me, to us.” But when we also ask,”What is God to others, chaos.” It is these confrontations that non believers are quick to point out. I want to do the opposite. I want to take you into the mind of an one atheist and into the family dynamics.

I’m an atheist. I’m one atheist. Not baptized, never part of a Christian, Catholic, Baptist, Protestant, Born Again, The Way,  Muslim, Buddist or Jewish group. I can say my “God” is me and when I found myself, my parents and brother became gods. Then after learning to love more, my wife and kids. All of them Atheists except for my son Jakob.

Jakob Briggs is Catholic. He is the reason you all are my Gods. Friends and Foes. I learn from your words, your actions. But I don’t blindly follow. I may be inspired by some and taught by others. Your missteps are lessons on how not to live. Why be the test subject for personal pain, when their are countless case studies to draw from and learn. Jakob taught me that “faith” is a personal thing not to be taken lightly. Sometimes it is all that keeps you standing. And though I believe, or should I say know that hope is not a strategy (Thank you Peter Weedfald), it is a pillar some follow to keep moving forward.

I have no hope. I know of it.  I do not hold it dear as a leg on my table. But, Jakob explained to me that many do. And then I noticed it more in my wife. I also saw that Jakob is bringing faith back into my wife’s heart and soul. He is a glowing reflection of what is good is about in some religions. I know that as he grows, he might develop distractions that cloud his child-like vision of an almighty that loves us. Most do lose that. It seems to come after we stop believing in Santa. But maybe he won’t loss it.

My son is the God of unconditional love. If my son were to maintain the ethics he currently has, I’d worship him. He is the closet thing to unconditional love I’ve ever witnessed. His innocence and direct delivery of what life is about is inspiring. His ability to sense risk, identify evils and avoid them is incredible for a young child. We are so different. I run towards risk, try to experience everything and put all my cards on the table. I’m public and he is very private. A trait my wife shares with him. He just may be the good (God) in both of us.

My daughter, Sasha is the god of nature. She is also “bite from the apple, what can happen.” She is an atheist. Never baptised, she knows nearly nothing about God. She hates God. Mocks God. I have done wrong with her and will spend the rest of my days attempting to correct that in her. I find it to be upsetting that she crossed that line. It is not evil because she too is innocent in knowledge and her emotional maturity is legendary. She is well beyond her years and just keeps getting more strong in her convictions and personality. She has already gone through countless emotional torment that rivals anything I experienced in my 47 years. People are dying all around her, hurting and hurting others. Without hope like Jakob, she finds an inner strength and self awareness to stand, get knocked down and stand again. She reminds me of what I had to endure, but her lifetime has seen so much worse. So why do I say she is a witness to all this pain and evil while Jakob is hardly effected? Don’t they live together? Share the same family experiences? Yes and no.

Life is relative. Time is relative. Perspective is relative. Each of use have a vantage point we stand or, for most, sit or lie down. Jakob does not process the earthy meaning of negative experiences deeply, it’s impact emotionally. A bad day for him is physical pain, not emotional pain. His faith pillar gives him a place to stand all the time. Sasha absorbs emotional pain, runs to it. She’ll delights in taking a few hours to watch a horror film and consider the what if’s. Jakob finds moments in the Lego Movie to be terrifying. Sasha sleeps in her own cave surrounded by Walking Dead posters and even an autographed crossbow from a character that is far from “pretty”. Her bed is covered with images of darkness while Jakob sleeps with a bright blue and fluffy blanket. They both lost people they loved, saw them experience pain. They both know I will one day leave them. Each handle these type of thoughts in their own way, both ways work. You can imagine the verbal battles between each of their vantage points. I try to let them know, at the core of their beliefs/knowledge… they actually agree.

That common ground is where I raise my family. Where we share is where we live. Where we diverge are points for conversation and further personal development. My family would be easier to manage if we all shared all thoughts, all beliefs… But easier is not fair. Easier for me might mean changing coping mechanisms in the ones I hold dearest. I could destroy their pillars that make them stand. I’m maybe a standing person, might even say a person that is alway in motion, always on my feet. Sitting and especially lying down are beyond my understanding. I’m learning about them. I understand movement and the rewards. I understand action taken by leaders, but fail to see how sitting ideally by can be good. But I’m learning I’ve been very wrong.

And all this brings me to a recent change in me. I’ve found stillness in a relatively new practice for me. Yoga was brought to me by my wife, Kelly. My wife is a god, one of stillness. She found it through a friend and created dozens of new friends by just being. It is through yoga that I’ve learned that there are selfish actions we take in life that are damaging others ability to stand. But these actions also can effect how we sit. How we find stillness and accept the world into our mind and body. I lived knowing that sitting was not standing. It was not leadership. I know far different now. Sitting is healing. To sit is to feel and work through the pain and enjoy the pleasure. So learning how to sit correctly or ever so important to me know. I was able to jump right into the standing poses, the strength, the balance, the flexibility. I can handle the pain. But sitting poses hurt me more. I’m learning to feel right. There is a conflict of “gods” during my stillness. I need to find focus and control my thoughts better. I know I’ll get there.

Once I truly learn to sit, learning to find stillness on my back will be next for I know there comes a time that I’ll need that for the “rest of eternity”.

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